The Empty Nest - Revisited

Last evening I sat, along with a group of women....all of us mothers......in a friends living room for a chat. The main topic was the 'empty nest', and so, wine glasses in hand we talked about surviving it. Thriving in it. Looking beyond the enormous gaping hole left in our kids wake.  Those of us who've been there for awhile had a few suggestions and stories to share with the others. For a few the transition was fresh; for others it is impending within the next year or two.

When our youngest was getting ready to head off to college (or should I say I was attempting to get ready for him to head off to college.....mentally he had been out the door for months), I said to Marc, "This isn't fair. No one tells you about this part when you're excitedly planning for a baby." 

Until just before each of them left......I hadn't given much thought to them actually...... (gulp) leaving. As it should be, I think, but as with an earthquake......some level of preparedness might have been nice. To paraphrase a cliche, 'When one door closes, another swings wide open whether you like it or not'.......and I know that personally I had a choice: To either be overwhelmed by that gaping hole, or to take full advantage of its enormous opportunities.

A freshly emptied nest is what prompted me to begin this blog in the first place. It gave me an organized way to process and deal with my thoughts, feelings and experiences. A healthy way to miss my boys. It was a chance to express myself and explore my interests. Posting became something I looked forward to, the very best part of which was the thought of sharing parts of this transition with others. 

Fall is here. Many 'nests' have recently emptied. Many know it will be happening within the next couple of years. So with the conversations of last evening in mind,  for the next few Wednesdays I'll be re-sharing some of my posts about the empty nest, beginning with the first one and taking it forward from there. I hope that they somehow make a difference, no matter what transitions are taking place in your life. Click below for a link to the first:

Time

I will have separate posts about other topics as well.

Wishing you a wonderful week ahead.

Warmly, Margaret

One of Those Places....

You know how sometimes you have a special place? Somewhere you end up and just know when you're there, it's the one place on earth you should be at that moment? A place that provides you with memories and something to look forward to? Your mind clears. You are suspended in time. You soak it in because you understand it will be awhile until you return. I suspect most people have a place like this.

It's kind of difficult to describe to someone else......how you feel about a certain place and why. I'm guessing this is because what makes it 'that place' is a unique combination of experiences that are yours alone: a portion of earth that has the uncanny ability to evoke thoughts that relate to the big picture of the rest of your life. Your connection to it feels instinctive, visceral, emotional. It is peaceful. I will tell you that I have a few such places.

Last week we took some friends to Glacier National Park. On my birthday we drove the Going-To-The-Sun Highway to Logan Pass and hiked up to the Hidden Lake overlook......exactly where I wanted to be on that day. We marveled at this road carved out of a mountain side and some of the historical decisions that allowed it to be built....the brave men and women who built it and now, continually restore it. We pointed out ancient layers of stone pushed into jagged mountain peaks, Bird Woman Falls and glaciers that may not last much longer. We noticed the cheerful, historic fleet of red buses, gulped breathes of thin alpine air, and ate the traditional (well...our tradition , at least!) peanut butter and jam sandwiches at the top.

Three of them had never been here before and one, not since he was very young. Along the way, I realized, I was looking at familiar surroundings with different eyes. We had not yet driven the road in September. On the way up I noticed colors beginning to turn and a few leaves floating on the breezes. Rivers, streams and lakes were at their low points exposing rocks and sand and fallen trees I had never seen before. Brooks and waterfalls didn't rush with as much force and animation as they do during summer's snow melt; they tumbled, quietly and differently. Up top, mountain goats weren't as numerous, but you could still tell the youngsters from the mamas. End of the summer wildflowers were fading and going to seed, and the grasses and other ground cover changing to orange and gold and straw.

I was aware that I was seeing through different eyes for another reason. It struck me for a moment that I really wanted our friends to like this place, too. To see and understand why I love it so much that I return at least once a year. I allowed this thought to float around in my head, but only briefly and then I made it leave. We each own our individual experiences. The most I could ask for is that we were able to show them a good day. That we enjoyed the fact that they shared one of our favorite experiences with us.

I typically don't post photos of myself here on this blog, but since this was taken on my birthday, I thought it was an OK idea!

Wishing you a wonderful fall week ahead!

Warmly, Margaret

September

Nighttime temperatures are dropping. Soon fog will hover over the fern and rhododendron, and intermingle with the many hundreds of maple leaves as the sun comes up over the back yard. Yellow buses rumble on the street above at predictable early morning and late afternoon intervals. Knitting season and baking season are in the offing. We are rushing to complete outdoor projects; to make sure they get wrapped up before the weather turns cold and gray and damp. Plans for those inside the house are beginning in earnest.

Slowly, my days are changing. I am both inching toward a new season and anchored by seasons past, standing upon what has come before. Steadfast roots that have taken my lifetime and the lifetimes of generations past to grow, hold me up. They push me to look forward; to head into a new era that is both the same and different.  There is a lot of movement around me,  just as there is almost every September......sometimes unpredictable...... and I am settling into the latest iteration of what is my family.....my life. It is impossible that the two be independent from one another.

~~~~~

I'll be heading out for a few days in the Rocky Mountains next week and am hoping to be able to make a post, but if I can't.....I'll be in touch at some point during the following one. Please be sure to check back!

Have a wonderful week ahead!

Warmly, Margaret

Fun Stuff

Recently, I opened an email from the instructors of a workshop I'll be attending next month. It will be several days of shooting photos on the Oregon Coast for which I am hugely excited: The light playing off of sand and sea. The thought of capturing quiet, moody scenes; of telling a story in tones of blue and tan. Of instructing my camera to record the monochromatic drama of a foggy morning on the shore or the noisy colors of a seaside town.

All of the above make my heart beat just a bit faster, so when I saw that the subject line of this email read 'fun stuff', I thought 'Yep, it will be.....Can't wait". I scrolled through the message and found that there were a couple of assignments for participants to turn in beforehand. Cool! I love assignments. Love learning. 

The first one asked that we return a collection of 25 or so favorite images we had taken so they would be able to consider ways to work individually with each of us before we all meet up in Oregon. They wanted to find out what kinds of images we like to shoot and be able to identify themes within our work. Sounds good. I was pretty sure I could come up with these and set about placing a few, that to my eyes anyway, were "good" into a desktop file. Turns out, this was a bit more difficult than I thought it would be: 

'I really love this one.....but what will they think? This image speaks to me, but have I made it clear why? I put a lot of thought into this photograph.....but will they understand what it meant to me? Are any of these even......GOOD'??

The second assignment asked the opposite: The request was for a collection of 'misses'; in other words, images we've taken that for whatever reason simply didn't work out. Whaaatt?? My first thought was to politely shoot back a response letting them know I don't normally show people those. That if it was more difficult than I thought it would be to pull together some of my more decent images to show, then sharing any misses might be kind of too personal and embarrassing and.......Oh Geez.....cringe-worthy.

Of course, the reason for this second assignment is that there is just as much to be learned from figuring out what doesn't work as in finding out what does. That pin-pointing the reasons for a miss can translate into more successful and productive time behind the lens. This is perfectly logical. It makes perfect sense. As part of the workshop these two professionals were offering to look at my work from all angles and give me a few pointers so that I might become a better photographer. But still, it meant showing a couple of people who I aspire to be like just a little.......who maybe in some small way I would like to impress with my skills.......some of my worst artistic choices in the form of digital disasters. Why couldn't they simply want look at work I think is good (or even OK) and take it from there?

Years ago, the first time I had a piece of writing critiqued by an entire classroom full of writers, I was a such a nervous wreck I could hardly pay attention to the discussion. After class I quietly collected a manila envelope containing the 30 or so copies of my story marked up with my classmates comments and suggestions, took it home and stuck it, unopened, inside the cupboard above my desk. And even though I had participated with honest effort in this exercise by reading, reviewing and writing constructive criticism and comments on the stories of the others in the class, it still took me a month or more to open it up and read my own. And when I did, I learned a whole lot.

After a couple of days I concluded (correctly) that hesitating to participate in this way made me somewhat of a hypocrite. Me.......the person who constantly encourages my kids and anyone else who will listen to scoot out of their own personal comfort zone and make the time and effort to pursue whatever it is they're most interested in........was having a difficult time thinking about doing just that. It made me feel uncomfortable......vulnerable......like I would be choosing to expose my soft underbelly, and I was reacting like a big chicken. And yet I know it's a necessary part of the process. An important part of the journey.

I think that sometimes in my hurry to learn, my rush to get where I want to be, I am tempted to hop, skip and jump over the small steps. Fortunately, I've been able to figure out that as unsettling as those steps may be, it is even more precarious and difficult to travel backward in order to figure out what I may have missed. I've learned that following a passion (at the risk of utilizing a very overworked phrase) isn't always about becoming GOOD, or even aspiring to BE GOOD, at what ever said passion might be. And it's not AT ALL about being validated, and CERTAINLY SHOULDN'T have anything to do with expecting praise. The truth is that in doing something you enjoy over and over again, one cannot help but become better at it. And in photography the rewards are this: With repetition and in paying close attention to results (whether they be awe-inspiring or astoundingly miserable) one inches ever closer to expressing the thoughts, stories and pictures created in ones imagination within the confines of a visible image.

So I twitched, grumbled and cringed my way through a recent catalog of photographs, stopping to pay attention only to the ones previously deemed worthy of the desktop trashcan. I decided which unfortunate clicks of the shutter I should include in the file labeled Assignment #2 and sent them off, together with Assignment #1.

I don't particularly love to look at my failures and showing them to anyone else is something I like even less. But it makes a difference, and giving them due attention is just as important in the growth process as enjoying the feeling I get with something that 'worked'.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend! I'm going berry picking tomorrow!

Warmly, Margaret

Parenting

When stepping back for a moment to review the past many years of parenting (25), certain themes emerge. If I was forced at this moment, to come up with a short list of what I hope to have taught our boys, this is what immediately comes to mind: 

Be brave. Look forward. Attempt to see the 'big picture'. Value education and life long learning. Know that it's better to have zero good friends for a couple of months than to have ones that aren't right for you right now. It's your life, there are twenty-four hours in a day and you get to choose how to spend them. Have compassion....always. Trust your own ability to make a decision.

I realize this list could and should be (and really is) much longer..........but I said a 'short' one and the above is what surfaced during the few minutes I sat with my morning cup of coffee. I know that I'm speaking as just one member of a parenting partnership here......no doubt that if Marc were writing this he would have his own thoughts and additions.  I also know that each item could be the topic of an entire set of essays, but I'll save that for possible future posts.

I didn't step through the door of parenthood knowing how to be one, let alone a 'good' one. I'm pretty sure no parent ever has. Relying on well written books, friends and a spouse who share similar values, and an amazing set of parents of my own has helped immensely, but it's largely a 'learn as you go' venture, don't you think? Or maybe I should say adventure, which the dictionary defines as excitement, thrill, risk, uncertainty and precariousness......an apt description of many parts of the parenting journey. 

I will say that I have learned as much or more about how to be a parent from each of my boys as I did from any of the above resources. They taught me how to parent them; showed me that they are unique individuals and needed me to raise them as such. If somehow I didn't get it right the first time, they would be certain to circle back around to help me understand again......and again and again just to be sure I did. So as they leave this house, and then come back and leave again, most times for parts and experiences unknown, I can only hope that we've all taught each other what we need to know. That we keep sturdy, cohesive, respectful, strong and loving ties wherever any of us ends up.

This week one of our boys began a new job and showed us the view of downtown Seattle he can see from his desk. One bought a one-way ticket to New York and trusts he will have found a place to live by the time his plane lands. (I believe he will.) The third left to go camping and hiking in a national park (where I happen to know there are bears) without telling us just which part of this enormous park he planned to be in. He saw wildlife and waterfalls and rocky cliffs. He visited a glacier. He and his friends stuck their heads into an aqua lake floating enormous chunks of ice. They all gave us a call or sent us texts or showed us pictures. They each continue to sculpt their futures by recognizing desires and passions, and then using those to formulate words that turn into actions. They trust themselves and their decision making. I am so proud of them for this.

There have been moments in the past couple of years when I prematurely thought the parenting part was just about finished; that since the five of us are now all adults, much of the job is done. But now, especially now, I know that it's not. Even at my age......even at the stage of life that I'm at...... I continue to look toward my own parents: For sage advice. For the value of their lives experiences. For sturdy and strong ties.

Wishing you a wonderful week ahead.

Warmly, Margaret

I'm away from my computer for the week and will post 'for real' next week. I'm having a great few days spending time with a couple of my guys before they both head off to school. More soon!

My Best, Margaret

This Summer

This summer. It's turned out both how I imagined and not all so.......the days and weeks a fusion of predictable constants tossed about with unanticipated events and surprises.

I didn't get a vegetable garden in, but my herbs, cascading flower pots and new apple trees have come alive with the warm, slightly humid weather and make me happy. 

The dedicated time spent at workshops and such has allowed me to learn a few things I both want and need to know, and yet I've yearned for my family while I was away. 

My meals have been, um......somewhat lacking. I haven't cooked or baked or grilled nearly as much as I usually do, but every once in a while I come up with something I haven't tried before that satisfies...... like the grilled chicken fajitas and Key Lime pie I made for dinner the other night.

A few planned personal projects have gone by the wayside, while others that weren't at all planned have risen to the top.

Whereas I prefer a certain amount of down time in order to refresh and rejuvenate, household projects and photographic opportunities have fallen into place, and for the next little while I look forward to a month or more of being almost too busy.

And just when I'm lulled into the delightfully comfortable and falsely satisfying rhythm of assuming I know exactly where my boys are and what they are pursuing, they remind me otherwise. They demonstrate youth and passion and energy. They validate that ones' twenties can be lively and colorful and best used for discovery. They remind me that I hope I can say this about them with each decade to follow......That I hope I'm saying it about myself with each decade to follow.

This summer. I'm thankful for all it has offered.